Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Lint Sacrifices



Clothes give off lint that collects in little wads, for instance in pockets and the turn-ups of trousers. But I also find it on my body, coloured according to what I’ve been wearing, and mainly at three places. Lint collects at the nape of my neck, in my navel and at the upper end of my bum crack. There is a simple and evident explanation for this: religious mites.

All larger terrestrial animals act as unwitting hosts to innumerable microscopic mites (Sw. kvalster). Most of them are harmless, subsisting on little flakes of shed skin. Some allergics react badly to their excrement, but that is rare.

My mites are obviously organized into tribes, one of which occupies my abdomen. They have a central cult site where they congregate regularly to perform sacrifices, lugging enormous loads of lint from far areas such as my upper chest, celebrating great religious feasts that culminate in the lint being heaved into the Great Sacred Pit -- my navel. The theology behind this sacrifice is unclear, but I suppose the mites want to placate some Higher Being, probably me. The mites are periodically killed in devastating numbers when I shower, so the great offerings may be intended to stop me from doing just that. But I am a vengeful God.

What of the great lint deposits made at the nape of my neck? They most likely have to do with the awe and fear felt by the mite tribe on my neck for the dark and mysterious woodlands of my head. I have no doubt but that the head mites, a small-bodied and furtive race hardened by anti-dandruff shampoo, make nocturnal raids on the neck mites, who therefore live in a constant state of fear. Their lint offerings under the eaves of the Head Woods must thus be to appease the mysterious forces lurking up there in the dark.

More horrific still must be the threat that inspires the mites of my lower back to sacrifice lint at the upper end of the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Poor little ones.

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13 Comments:

Blogger Hans Persson said...

What have you been smoking and where can I get some? ;-)

28 November, 2006 13:36  
Blogger Martin said...

My friends tell me that it's a good thing that I don't do drugs, given my behaviour when sober.

28 November, 2006 13:40  
Anonymous Johan said...

Poor, poor mites. Killed in devastating numbers and deceived by superstition.

//JJ

28 November, 2006 13:45  
Blogger Martin said...

Are you referring to people in the Third World? (-;

28 November, 2006 13:52  
Blogger Juniper said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

28 November, 2006 13:58  
Blogger Shelly said...

*nice picture*

28 November, 2006 14:00  
Blogger Juniper said...

... sorry, it was me... lots of typos...
I just wanted to tell you, that i love the way your brain works...

28 November, 2006 14:01  
Blogger Martin said...

Aaaw, thanks!

28 November, 2006 14:06  
Blogger Karen said...

Do you not have mites that live in the great southern toe valleys?

28 November, 2006 18:06  
Blogger Martin said...

Come to think of it, yes! I've always attributed the inter-toe lint to simple mechanics. But it may of course be the work of the most fervently devout mites of all. They really can't do much except transport lint all day long.

I wonder if the religious specialists on the toes are fed by a caste of serfs residing on the top of my feet and my lower calfs.

28 November, 2006 22:28  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

YUCK!!!!

Denial denial denial...

29 November, 2006 00:01  
Blogger kai said...

For dedication to navel lint, you must check out This guy

02 December, 2006 16:44  
Blogger Martin said...

I was going to say something derogatory about the man, but then I realised, hey, I collect debris from old house fires by the kilogram.

02 December, 2006 16:54  

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