Saturday, April 08, 2006

Gay Grater

Dear Reader, I am a screaming fairy.

Aha, say you, Dr Rundkvist is of the limp-wristed persuasion. I take it he engages in, ah, candy compression with his fellow man? He is no doubt a virtuoso of the salami saxophone?

No, I am sorry to disappoint some of you: I do not spoon with the spunky or undress with the andromorphous. But I am truly a most falsetto-tittering ponce.

Aha, you smirk knowingly, so this Martin is an aficionado of ladies' apparel! A bosom buddy of bustiers? No -- no -- it's a drag, but seldom in fact have I appeared in womanly finery, and then only in theatrical situations. But, believe me, I am an utter and unabashed effeminate.

Well, you query in tones of incomprehension, wherein lies this over-touted fruitiness of yours? Do you shave below the level of your larynx? Do you change curtains with the seasons? Do you at least own a Barbra Streisand CD and DVD boxed set? No, no, no, and most regretfully no.

But, Dear Reader, I am still far-more-than-a-bit like that, I'm "as gay as a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide" (Gaiman and/or Pratchett). Behold!

I am the owner of a small grating iron dedicated to nutmeg! Yes! I bought it myself, to save the trouble of cleaning the multipurpose grater! Haha! I revel in glorious nancy-boyishness! I defy anyone to outgay me! Haha! Cosseted and uncloseted am I, owner of a gay grater -- and proud of it!

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Blogger martha said...

Ha! I can think of much more gay things you could employ in your household (um... but I'll have to think about it for a moment...). But that's probably because I live in a veritable gay mecca, AND have on-going relationships with designers. And anyway, those little nutmeg thingies are very useful. Much better than trying to grind up the nuts with your manly teeth.

08 April, 2006 20:54  
Blogger Martin said...

Grinding with your teeth? How very Brokeback Mountain! No, Martha, real manly men grind nutmeg by firing a shot gun at it or running it through the gear box of a hummer.

Not that real men ever eat nutmeg, of course. But their wives may ask them to help, you know. I hear they can set the table in a manly fashion.

08 April, 2006 21:10  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What fun, does this mean that you will be getting a mandoline? I've been reading you for a while, I think I got here from P Z Myers blog. Pharyngula

09 April, 2006 05:18  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no idea what a "nutmeg" is but it sure sounds realy gay, and I'm afraid I can't think of anything I like to do that might be gayish. Unless its gayish to reload ammunition, tonight I'm going to make more .38 spl cartridges.

09 April, 2006 14:06  
Blogger Martin said...

Nutmeg is a spicy nut, muskotnöt in Swedish.

Re-loading ammunition cartridges? No, that's not gay, that's just geeky. Vitnir, don't take this too hard, but I'm afraid you're straight. And a geek.

09 April, 2006 16:13  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes i guess it is pretty obvious, infact I took this survey and have the title "High-nerd"

10 April, 2006 13:47  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pratchett or Gaiman? I think you'll find it's Ben Elton, though I'm too lazy to check.

BTW I don't think much of your nutmeg grater - it lacks a container underneath to catch the gratings and store the half-grated nutmeg. What sort of a wimpish piece of kit is that?

10 April, 2006 21:30  
Blogger Martin said...

No, not Elton, the expression is from the Pratchett & Gaiman collaboration Good Omens where it is used to describe a rather fey angel.

As for wimpy, I'll have you know that a flamboyant queen like myself is way, way beyond wimpiness.

12 April, 2006 19:19  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry my dear friend, but I am also quite unimpressed by the gayishness of your nutmeg grater. Besides lacking in containing abilities for gratings and storage, as Muscat points out, it is also an inferior grater.

Our friends playing for the other team (from Seinfeld) know quality, and gratingwise that spells graters of 'microplane' technology:

Originating from woodworking tools, this kitchen series has the perfect Brokeback Mountain/lumberjack ruff touch. They're also excellent for zesting. Methinks it doesn't get much gayer than zesting. :-)

If you want a dedicated nutmeg grater, I suggest you take a look at this one:

16 April, 2006 10:53  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gay? Not nutmeg. Real men eat whatever they want. (Hmm, "real man" has nothing to do with gay or straight... oh well.)

I don't have a nutmeg grater. I have a nutmeg MILL, like a pepper mill but it holds 2-3 nutmegs tight down with a spring and shaves them with a rotary blade when I turn the handle. And I'm straight (but not narrow).


26 April, 2006 21:48  
Blogger Martin said...

Your nutmeg MILL is obviously sturdily heterosexual. I mean, ferchrissakes, it works on the principle of an automatic pistol.

My grater, on the other hand, is the daintiest thing you may see. Makes me want to cut down trees, wear high heels, suspendies & a bra.

26 April, 2006 22:11  

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